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BDSM Aftercare For Beginners!

Woman tied up!

All scenes, no matter what the focus is, should include responsible aftercare. Once a BDSM play scene has ended, it hasn’t really ended – the intimate and emotional connections will still be there, and so aftercare is important for everyone involved. Aftercare doesn’t need to be overly sentimental or grand, it just needs to be an intentional display of appreciation and acknowledgment that will ensure you and your partner return to an everyday state of mental, emotional, and physical steadiness.

There’s a wide range of thoughts, feeling and emotions that are linked with kink, especially as many of the scenes performed test one’s limits, boundaries, power, and control. The time following the end of the scene is an important time to strengthen the emotional connection and the feeling of well-being for both of you.  It’s also a time to show each other how much you enjoyed the scene, and to debrief. Remember, kink can be an intense experience that leaves you feeling exhausted, mentally and physically drained, and in need of some tenderness, and therefore aftercare is an expected standard of post-kink scenes and experiences.

Types of Aftercare

Here are some of the best things you can do in the period following your scene;

Physical Aftercare

1. Remove your partner from all BDSM paraphernalia – to take them out of the scene.

2. First aid – if you’re both at an intense level of kink, then tending to the submissive is important. It’ll make them feel cared for and safe.

3. Having something to eat or drink to replenish energy.

4. Temperature control – a warm blanket to cuddle under, or an ice cold drink if it’s too hot.

5. Physical contact such as kissing, cuddling, massage – this is especially important for the submissive, who may be feeling delicate.

6. Providing a quiet place to sit, lie down, or cuddle up.

7. Sex – only if this is part of your dynamic.

8. Tidy up the play area together – clean the toys and pack your harnesses, clothes and gags away. Through clearing everything away, you are exiting the fantasy and gradually returning to everyday life.

9. Ensuring enough time has passed before letting your partner drive or, if possible, drive your partner home/arrange a taxi.

Emotional Aftercare

1. Expressing thanks and verbal affirmation – it’s time to reassure your partner that what just happened was amazing, consensual and intimate. Assure your partner that they are not disgusting and that they shouldn’t be ashamed of their kink.

2. A debriefing and good communication about the scene – if you’re both in the frame of mind to do so. Otherwise, leave this for the following day. Discuss good and bad points and be open to hearing your partner’s thoughts and feeling.

3. Check in with your partner a few days after the scene – this will ensure that there are no lingering negative emotions and that your partner is in a good headspace.

These don’t necessarily apply to everyone; some people will want to be left alone and others will need to remain close. Aftercare should be discussed before every session – your partner may require a different form of aftercare depending on their emotional state. If you’re feeling the opposite way to your partner, find a compromise. You’ll both need some form of aftercare that’ll help maintain the connection you’ve just experience, and also provide you with closure.

Aftercare Kit

Having an aftercare kit nearby will ensure that everything you need is close to hand, so that you don’t have to leave your partner to go in search of plasters or a blanket.
Here are some things you may want to include;

1. A first aid kit – include antiseptic cream, soothing gels, plasters, and some painkillers.

2. A bottle of water or an energy drink.

3. A flask of something – hot chocolate or tea usually does the trick.

4. Food – it doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just something you can snack on. I like chocolate or muesli bars.

5. An ice pack and hot water bottle – this, of course, depends on the length of your scene. If you’re in for a long night of exciting torture, this won’t work.

6. A warm blanket, or a robe.

What Next?

Aftercare can be a slow and gentle departure from the psychological head space that BDSM often creates. This experience can be expressed with laughter, silence, yelling, tears, mood swings and so on, and can take a day or more to wear off. Therefore, it’s important to keep in touch during that time and talk through any shift in emotion you may be feeling.

Whether it consists of hugs, touching, caressing, or being left alone – be prepared for what you and your partner will need in order to gradually return to everyday life. Always remember to discuss aftercare and what each person needs during play negotiations.

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