The ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ trailer was released earlier this week and has already been viewed 114 million times; dethroning ‘The Force Awakens’ as the most viewed trailer in first 24 hours. Whether you love it or hate it, you can’t deny that’s it a wildly popular series that has had a huge impact on the sex industry. What needs to be emphasised is that Fifty Shades is not an accurate picture of what BDSM is all about. Popular misconceptions have prevented many people from expanding their sexual repertoire – focusing on the abusive and dangerous aspects, and ignoring the sensual, playful and oh so naughty fun that can be had. We are here to change that. Here’s some of the most common BDSM myths – let’s see how they compare to the truth.
1. All Dominants Are Abusive: FICTION
The dominant partner, sometimes known as the ‘top’, is not sadistic, mentally disturbed or abusive. In fact, they are very much the opposite. They care for the physical, mental and emotional wellbeing of their submissive; monitoring the situation and ensuring that both parties get the most from the experience.
BDSM is about communication and trust, with both parties consenting. In the book, Christian often doesn’t take no for an answer, but in reality boundaries are respected at all times. Safe words should be agreed upon and rehearsed before engaging in play, so a submissive can communicate to their partner that they are not enjoying the scene and that it needs to stop immediately. A dominant partner likes to be in control, but they balance that with their prime directive to ensure the safety of their submissive and to satisfy their needs and desires.
Aiden Starr, a famous dominatrix in the industry shared her thoughts on BDSM and Fifty Shades. She stated that her main issue was with the interaction between the characters. Starr continues by explaining that a dominatrix, especially those who have been professionally trained, are instilled with a strong sense of for their submissive. “Real punishment is not meted out with pain but quiet time. In real life, submissives are not beaten down, but lifted up. Yes, the interaction between a dom and a sub appears alternative to the vanilla viewer. The love in my relationships is just as strong as in traditional monogamous arrangements, if not more so,” says Starr.
2. Submissives Are Weak and Have Low Self Esteem: FICTION
Even those who haven’t read the book will know that Ana is presented as a weak character, who can be easily manipulated by those around her. Submissives are not the dominant partner in kinky play, but this doesn’t mean that they’re not strong in other aspects of their life. In fact, as Cassie Fuller, a kink and intimacy expert point out “it is the submissives that have the choice to choose to give up control for a period of time and entrust themselves entirely to their dominants. Many submissives lead dominant roles in their work and just enjoy letting go with their partner.”
3. Dominants Are Always in Control: FICTION
BDSM couples can also choose to abide by the Safe, Sane and Consensual credo; a set of rules that were put together for BDSM sexual engagement. Couples are encouraged to negotiate before they begin any BDSM play, so nothing happens unless it’s been agreed upon in advance. BDSM should be only as much as you both want it to be. OK, so traditionally BDSM is seen to involve handcuffs, whips and nipple clamps – in reality, it is about exploring a sexual variation that is highly creative, finding your comfort level, and something that works for you both. Although bondage, floggers and crops may be popular in kinky play, it’s by no means the only tools for BDSM. Kinky play is anything that spices up your emotional or sexual relationship. Whether you enjoy temperature play, needle play, or mummification – it’s all about having fun!
4. Dominants Had Abusive Childhoods: FICTION
Christian Grey is portrayed as a Dom as a result of a loveless and abusive childhood. There is no evidence that links these two.
While we’re on the subject of love; Christian says on more than one occasion that he doesn’t do romance, which is pretty misleading. This is more to do with his own commitment issues and less to do with BDSM. You can be happily in love in a healthy relationship – and still love BDSM. Often it’s the trust and intimacy between partners that makes BDSM so exciting!
5. There’s nothing weird about getting kinky: TRUE
This is a very common myth. Just because you like the idea of spanking your partner does not mean you’re “messed up” – which is suggested as the reason Christian is into kink. As mentioned previously, BDSM should be about intimacy and shared pleasure. If you think your partner is using this form of play to channel an abusive past, do not agree to anything and suggest they seek professional help instead. “Kink has nothing to do with a trauma from someone’s past or bad disposition. Many studies have shown that kinky people tend to have better body image and be more confident and happy in their relationships,” says Fuller.
We hope that this movie reignites flames in bed, but before engaging in BDSM we recommend learning a bit more. After all, knowledge is power!