There are many guides currently available on various toys, techniques and positions all related to BDSM, but there’s very little on what happens when the fun is over. The first thing I’d like to highlight is; once a BDSM play scene has ended, it hasn’t really ended. The intimate and emotional connections will still be there, and so aftercare is important for everyone, even those who consider themselves ‘experts’ at BDSM play.
There’s a wide range of thoughts, feeling and emotions that are linked with kink, especially as many of the scenes performed test one’s limits, boundaries, power, and control. The time following the end of the scene is an important time to strengthen the emotional connection and the feeling of well-being for both of you. It’s also a time to show each other how much you enjoyed the scene, and to debrief. Remember, kink can be an intense experience that leaves you feeling exhausted, mentally and physically drained, and in need of some tenderness, and therefore aftercare is an expected standard of post-kink scenes and experiences.
What to do:
Here are some of the best things you can do in the period following your scene;
1) First aid – if you’re both at an intense level of kink, then tending to the submissive is important. It’ll make them feel cared for and safe.
2) Having something to eat or drink – to replenish energy.
3) Temperature control – a warm blanket to cuddle under, or an ice cold drink if it’s too hot.
4) Hugs and cuddles – this is especially important for the submissive, who may be feeling delicate.
5) Rest
6) Expressing thanks and verbal affirmation – it’s time to reassure your partner that what just happened was amazing, consensual and intimate.
7) Sex – only if this is part of your dynamic.
8) A debriefing – if you’re both in the frame of mind to do so. Otherwise, leave this for the following day.
9) Tidy up the play area together – clean the toys and pack your harnesses, clothes and gags away. Through clearing everything away, you are exiting the fantasy and gradually returning to everyday life.
These don’t necessarily apply to everyone; some people will want to be left alone and others will need to remain close. If you’re feeling the opposite way to your partner, find a compromise. You’ll both need some form of aftercare that’ll help maintain the connection you’ve just experience, and also provide you with closure. It may help to discuss a plan of action before the scene begins, or even better, create a kit containing some of the things you’ll most likely needs during your aftercare stage.
Aftercare Kit
Having an aftercare kit nearby will ensure that everything you need is close to hand, so that you don’t have to leave your partner to go in search of plasters or a blanket. Here are some things you may want to include;
1) A first aid kit – include antiseptic cream, soothing gels, plasters, and some painkillers.
2) A bottle of water or an energy drink.
3) A flask of something – hot chocolate or tea usually does the trick.
4) Food – it doesn’t have to be anything crazy, just something you can snack on. I like chocolate or muesli bars.
5) An ice pack and hot water bottle – this, of course, depends on the length of your scene. If you’re in for a long night of exciting torture, this won’t work.
6) A warm blanket, or a robe.
What Next?
Aftercare can be a slow and gentle departure from the psychological head space that BDSM often creates. This experience can be expressed with laughter, silence, tears, mood swings and so on, and can take a day or more to wear off. Therefore it’s important to keep in touch during that time and talk through any shift in emotion you may be feeling.
Aftercare is different for each person, and it’s best to discuss with your partner what they may need beforehand. Whether it consists of hugs, touching, caressing, or being left alone – be prepared for what you and your partner will need in order to gradually return to everyday life. Always remember to discuss aftercare and what each person needs during play negotiations.