It’s finally happened, 50 Shades of Grey has hit the cinemas – and whether you love it or hate it, you can’t deny the impact it’s had on the sex industry. What needs to be emphasised is that much of what you see onscreen during a porn movie is fantasy; something the audience of 50 Shades of Grey should keep in mind. Here are a few things that we think are essential to safe and sexy BDSM play, but may have been overlooked in the 50 Shades:
BDSM is about communication and trust: and this is something I repeat time and time again! BDSM is a game of trust, with both parties consenting. In the book, Christian often doesn’t take no for an answer – if you and your partner have already agreed that the word ‘no’ can be ignored, fine. If not, this can cause emotional and physical damage. Boundaries should be respected at all times. To ensure this happens, agree on safe words before engaging in play and always pay attention to your partner’s noises and body-language.
Submissives are not weak: even those who haven’t read the book will know that Ana is presented as a weak character, who can be easily manipulated by those around her. Submissives are not the dominant partner in kinky play, but this does not mean that they’re not strong in other aspects of their life. In fact, as Cassie Fuller, a kink and intimacy expert point out “it is the submissives that have the choice to choose to give up control for a period of time and entrust themselves entirely to their dominants. Many submissives lead dominant roles in their work and just enjoy letting go with their partner.”
BDSM should be only as much as you want it to be: and is not as black and white as you may think. Yes, traditionally BDSM is seen to involve handcuffs, whips and nipple clamps, but the reality of giving BDSM a go is that you can ease into it, finding your comfort level, and what works for you both. “Though spanking, floggers and crops may be popular in kinky play, it is by no means the only tools for kinky play. Kinky is anything that spices up your emotional or sexual relationship. Some just enjoy only sensual objects like feathers, ice, and blindfolds,” says Fuller.
BDSM isn’t a loveless act: Christian says on more than one occasion that he doesn’t do romance, which is pretty misleading. This is more to do with his own commitment issues and less to do with BDSM. Most couples who engage in kink play are, whatever the level, are in love. In fact, it’s the trust and intimacy between partners that usually makes BDSM so exciting.
Empathy and protection: is important. In a recent interview, Aiden Starr, a famous dominatrix in the industry shared her thoughts on BDSM and 50 Shades. She stated that her main issue was with the interaction between the characters. Starr continues by explaining that a dominatrix, especially those who have been professionally trained, are instilled with a strong sense of for their sub. “Real punishment is not meted out with pain but quiet time. In real life, submissives are not beaten down, but lifted up. Yes, the interaction between a dom and a sub appears alternative to the vanilla viewer. The love in my relationships is just as strong as in traditional monogamous arrangements, if not more so,” says Starr.
There’s nothing weird about getting kinky: and just because you like the idea of spanking your girl does not mean you’re “messed up” – which is suggested as the reason Christian is into kink. As mentioned previously, BDSM should be about intimacy and shared pleasure. If you think your partner is using this form of play to channel an abusive past, do not agree to anything and suggest they seek professional help instead. “Kink has nothing to do with a trauma from someone’s past or bad disposition. Many studies have shown that kinky people tend to have better body image and be more confident and happy in their relationships,” says Fuller.
We hope that this movie reignites flames in bed, but we also hope that it is not used as any kind of guideline for true BDSM play.