So your New Year’s resolution was to have more sex? Better sex? Kinkier sex? And it’s not quite going to plan? Don’t despair – if you’re not one of the following people, you’re probably doing better than you think! Here’s five of our favourite ‘bad sex’ stories for you to reflect on:
5. Making love to an inflatable boat
In November last year, Edwin Tobergta, 35, was arrested in Ohio, for allegedly having sex with an inflatable boat. This is the third time Tobergta has been arrested for this kind of offense (yeah, seriously).
This lover of inflatable boats was first caught with his pants down in 2011, when he was found in an alley with his neighbour’s pink inflatable boat. Tobergta went to jail, but was arrested again in 2013 for having sex with the exact same boat…which inexplicably had not been thrown out. He was charged with, and pleaded guilty to, public indecency. It is unclear if his most recent arrest involves the same toy, but it’s clear he has a type!
4. Is it out yet?
In the June 2014 edition of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, there was the story of a 38-year old woman who had a sex toy stuck inside of her vagina for a decade. The Brit went to doctors after suffering from shaking, incontinence, and sever weight loss – by the time the surgeons found the ‘issue’, the toy’s effects were potentially life-threatening. It had caused a bladder obstruction that was driving urine to back up into her kidneys. Lovely.
The woman, admitted she has used the five-inch toy in a drunken sexual encounter over ten years ago and didn’t remember whether she took it out or not….
3. The terrible twins
Poor Paul Aronson – the 84 year-old who went on a date with two 17 year-old twins and ended up bound and robbed. The New York Times reported that Paul Aronson met up with 17 year-old Shaina Foster in October last year through SeekingArrangement.com, a sugar daddy site that describes itself as a place “where beautiful, successful people fuel mutually beneficial relationships.”
After what seemed like a successful first date, Shaina brought her twin sister, Shalaine, along to the second. After dinner at an expensive restaurant, the trio went back to Aronson’s apartment for a drink…and that’s when things got out of hand. “He asked to do things I wasn’t going to do,” Shaina told Detective Darryl Ng. “He is ugly, old and disgusting. I tied him up. I took his money and left. He was starting to creep me out.” The pair are charged with kidnapping, burglary, robbery, assault and grand larceny.
2. It turns out sex in the ocean sucks
Not every attempt to spice up one’s sex life is a success. For example, the Italian couple that became suctioned together and unable to separate while getting it on in the ocean. According to Il Mattino, the couple remained in the ocean until one of them was able to flag down a passer-by who was able to give them a couple of towels and call the authorities.
The couple were taken to hospital, where the woman was given an injection usually used to dilate the uterus of a pregnant woman. The couple were then able to be untangled. Awwww! Isn’t love beautiful?
1. Dude, I broke my penis
The MMA fighter, Ray Elbe, suffered his fair share of bumps and bruises while starring in the reality show The Ultimate Fighter. However, no amount of sparring would prepare him for the greatest pain of his life – during a particularly rough session in the sack with his partner, Elbe broke his penis. If you’re not bent over in agony at the mere thought of it; penile fractures (which are often accompanied by a snapping sound) require emergency surgical repair and is bloody painful.
At least Elbe seems to have found the funny side of it all. He took to YouTube to explain the event and later posted on his blog: “I hope my story helps someone with a similar injury in some way…as this experience is truly something you would never wish on anyone lol.”
Feeling better? We certainly are!