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A Beginner’s Guide To Safe BDSM

Woman with cane

So, you’ve decided to come over to the dark side, but you’re not quite sure how to practice safe sadism?

Before the bondage begins, there are some important decisions that need to be made. Planning and communication are key: without it you could easily cross the line between consensual and non-consensual, potentially acting out a harmful or dangerous scene and breaking the trust between you and your partner. You should always make sure that you are both on the same page and feel comfortable with what’s about to place.

Pick a Safe word

Your safe word is your safety net. ‘No’ and ‘stop’ will be bandied about haphazardly throughout your role play as part of the scene, so how do you know when ‘no’ actually means ‘no’?

You can agree on one word that means ‘stop’ – choosing a word that is unlikely to slip out accidently during the fun – or you can establish levels of safe words. Many opt for traffic light colours because it’s easy to understand and remember;

Red – ‘stop now’ – you’re uncomfortable with the situation and you want to stop the scene immediately.

Yellow – ‘I don’t want you to stop, but slow down/ease up’ – you’re approaching your limit. This is a cautionary safe word that can either indicate a break is needed or that there’s an issue that needs addressing.

Green – ‘Yes, yes, yes!’ – your partner is hitting the spot and you want more.

If you and your partner prefer a single word, choose something unusual or funny and keep it short and sweet. Many choose ‘safeword’ as their safe word as it’s simple, straight to the point and easy to remember.

Discuss Safe Actions

What if you decide to incorporate a ball gag or some silent satisfaction into your play? An unspoken safe word should be discussed and agreed on beforehand. The bottom should decide on this action or ‘silent safe word’, otherwise it could slip their mind when in subspace. Some common signals include:

Open and closing hands repeatedly
Blinking a specific number of times
Ring a bell or gong
Snapping fingers
Grunt a specified number of times
Tap a nearby surface a specified number of times

Make sure there is a surface nearby if your action requires it. It is then up to the top to monitor and pay close attention to the bottom throughout the scene. And remember, no matter how experienced you are, this is a security blanket that you must never grow out of!

Don’t Forget Aftercare

All scenes, no matter what the focus is, should include some form of aftercare. Once a BDSM play scene has ended, it hasn’t really ended – the intimate and emotional connections will still be there, and so aftercare is important for everyone involved. Aftercare doesn’t need to be overly sentimental or grand, it just needs to be an intentional display of appreciation and acknowledgment that will ensure you and your partner return to an everyday state of mental, emotional, and physical steadiness. Aftercare should be discussed before every session as your partner may require a different form of aftercare depending on their emotional state. Aftercare can include;
Removing your partner from all BDSM paraphernalia to take them out of the scene.

Having something to eat or drink to replenish energy.
Physical contact such as kissing, cuddling, and caressing any part of their body.
Providing affection and comfort in a quiet place.
Expressing thanks and verbal affirmation to reassure your partner that what just happened was amazing, consensual, and intimate. Assure your partner that they are not disgusting and that they shouldn’t be ashamed of their kink.

It’s important to sit down afterwards and discuss the scene with your partner. Firstly, although body language is an important gauge of what your partner is and isn’t enjoying, it’s not always easy to tell. Your partner could be writhing in pain but could still be enjoying the experience. Secondly, asking questions might help you both open up and discuss other toys, positions or locations you’ve been fantasising about. You or your partner might not be in the frame to do so immediately after the scene, but it’s important to keep in touch and talk through any lingering emotions, thoughts, or concerns you may have.

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