Many partners who fail to reach climax have no underlying physical problem. Instead, the problem may be due to the fear of not being able to form. Performance anxiety has become one of the greatest obstacles in the bedroom; sexually and emotionally. For those who are battling with this, you are all too familiar with how debilitating the worrying can be. Most are unaware, however, of how common this is among both men and women.
So how can worrying about performing sexually actually prevent you from performing?
First of all, worrying about not performing sexually only distracts you from sexually interacting with your partner. Anxiety is an emotion in which you overthink the consequences of a possible future event, such as worrying about an up-coming interview or asking the waitress for her number. Performance anxiety is a specific anxiety which focuses on the potential failure to perform sexually and the perceived disastrous consequences. So instead of thinking erotic thoughts during foreplay or intercourse, you may start thinking about how awful it would be if you couldn’t perform, how it would reflect poorly on your masculinity or femininity, what your other half would think, and so on.
Why do we get it?
The main cause of anxiety is from the high expectations we face within our culture – this is due to the porn industry’s unrealistic display of sexual encounters and also how the media portrays the actions of couples in the bedroom. So maybe you think that a man must maintain an erection for a prolonged period of time, or that a woman must orgasm every time. We set ourselves up for performance anxiety by pushing ourselves to reach expectations that are often impossible, or too difficult to reach. We view sex as goal-orientated, where erections and orgasms are the be all and end all of our sex lives. Not only are these expectations hard to live up to, but they work against the very nature of what sex is: an immense pleasure enjoyed by two people.
What next?
For those who fail to reach climax during sex, there is usually no underlying physical problem. The problem is (more often than not) linked to the worries they have about not being able to perform, which distracts them from the pleasures they are experiencing and makes it difficult to have an orgasm.
A major part of performance anxiety is the fear of what others will think of you, especially your partner, if you fail to perform. You may fear that your partner will find you less attractive, will have less respect for you, or will stop seeing you as a ‘real man’ or ‘real woman’. Talk to your partner about these fears, even if they don’t help put your mind at rest, your partner will be aware of the situation and can offer support where needed.
If the worrying is persistent, why not ask your partner outright? Hopefully their honesty will reassure you that your sex life is amazing, and if there are any problems it is all out in the open and can be easily resolved. You cannot control what others think of you, but you do have considerable control over your sexual experience, so work through any issues you have and learn to enjoy it again. To begin with, use your imagination to play out kinky scenes where you partner is as aroused and stimulated as you are. It can really help boost your confidence when it comes to the real thing.
Finally, you then need to accept that you are not physically broken. It is the set of irrational thoughts that are fuelling your anxiety, and this is the underlying cause of the issue. Worrying about your performance in the bedroom will only distract you from sexually interacting with your partner. Those who worry spend less time thinking erotically and more time fixated on how their partner is judging the experience, why they are struggling to perform or climax, and what effect this is having on their relationship.
If you have tried the above with no success, or if your anxiety last for more than a couple of weeks; it is time to consult a doctor. They are likely to refer you to a sex therapist that can help you talk through and overcome your insecurities.