We’ve all made our mistakes when it comes to sex; getting back with an ex, going home with someone who didn’t own a duvet cover. We’ve all been there!
An Incredible List
But there are worse mistakes you could make. The good people of Reddit have been sharing the worst sex advice that they’ve ever been given.
1. Slap her vagina to tenderize it. It’s meat, ain’t it? You gotta really apply some force, or else your efforts will be in vain. Do this repeatedly.
2. A SHOELACE: Wrap it around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then … pull on the strings, flossing it up and down.
3. Gently stick her vagina with a fork.
4. While you’re inside her, use your hips and pretend to write your name in cursive. If applicable, do not forget to dot the lowercase i or j.
5. Slip an ice cube into her vagina. The sudden change in temperature will drive her wild!
6. While giving oral sex, slip a finger in her urethra! She’ll orgasm in ways she never has before!
7. Pull anal beads out like you’re starting a lawnmower.
8. Masturbate in front of him using a Popsicle and then invite him to f**k your shockingly icy pussy.
Actually in Print
If you think those are bad, you should take a look at the advice that’s actually printed!
When it comes to terrible sex tips; one publication stands out as an upholder of weird and wacky sex advice. Cosmo continually published implausible, often unfathomable and comical kinky tips for a better sex life. Take a look at these:
1. Think of his shaft… like the outer curve of your breast. …Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you’re volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves.
2. Chew a small piece of mango… then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.
3. Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.
4. Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.
5. Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.
6. Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.
7. Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.
8. Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body — from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.
9. Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner. Next time you have a friend over and your partner comes home, shove the friend in the nearest room/closet/any space that is out of sight but also close enough that it’s weird. Then get it on. It’ll be just like every other time except for the fact that someone is secretly there watching you/covering their ears.
10. Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, ‘Wanna hear me do this tonight?’
11. Text This: Was that your hand rubbing my leg under the table or your dad’s? Here’s Why: Meeting the parents is always a biggie – it’s good to lighten the mood with a little flirty humour.
12. Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.
Ok, so this was a reader submission. However, Cosmo actually printed it for people to read and do at home. Bad Cosmo.
Well, there you have it. Confused? Terrified? Us too.