If you want to try something new, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve sailed the vast seas of sexual experience or you’re just dipping your toes into the water; talking about uncharted territory can make anyone nervous.
Last year, Bustle conducted a survey to see whether their readers were comfortable talking with their partner about their sexual desires. Nearly 23% of respondents said they would most likely never discuss their fantasies with their partner! Not only is this sad, but sexual repression can lead to distraction, inability to achieve orgasm, and dissatisfaction. If you’re looking to share some of your desires with your partner, here are some things to consider.
DO Communicate with Your Partner
Let’s start with the hardest part first. It might feel daunting, but all healthy relationships are built on communication and trust, so it’s time to open up and share your fantasies. Even if they don’t share the same desires as you do, there’s room for compromise and experimentation (which in fairness is half of the fun!).
DO Relax and Have Fun
It might feel like a big deal to you, but it doesn’t have to be a “big talk”. Why not keep it casual and light-hearted instead?
Talking about your desires can even be a form of foreplay. Do whatever feels most natural to you but here are a couple of suggestions:
The Naughty Whisper Approach: text your partner and tell them you want to go out on a date and get dressed up in whatever makes you feel sexy and confident. When you’re out, sit next to each other so you can get close. Then begin whispering your desires into their ear; tell them that you want to try something new tonight, ask them if they have they ever considered anal play (for example), tell them you have a pair of handcuffs waiting for them at home etc. Then let the conversation flow…
The Casual Conversation Approach: when you’re both in a calm and neutral setting, ask your partner straight out. It gives you the space and time to discuss your desires (and theirs, perhaps) at length and answer any questions they might have.
DO: Introduce the Topic Within Sexy Context
If you’re looking for a way to start the conversation, why not draw on previous sexy encounters to set the tone? This not only puts a positive association in your partner’s mind, it’s an easy segue into what you want to really talk about, and your partner will probably be able to visualise it!
DON’T: Add Alcohol to the Mix
We know, three pints of beer may help you gather up the courage to tell your lover you have a foot fetish, but alcohol can hinder your ability to make judgements (and your partner’s, as well). When you talk about kink with your partner, you want the conversation to be clear, intentional, and consensual. This is even more important if you both decide to get right down to business afterwards.
DO: Be Prepared for “No”…But Don’t Take It as Flat-out Rejection
In an ideal world your partner would be 100% on board with all your kinks and darkest, wildest desires. But in reality, many of us have a line we won’t cross or there are certain taboos and fetishes we are unsure of.
This can be hugely disappointing – but it’s definitely not a rejection of you, and it also doesn’t mean you can’t both compromise, experiment and/or find pleasure in other ways. There is also a chance that your partner is simply unfamiliar with the kink you want to try. This is where some naughty research can make a huge difference! Have a look online for a good article or scene that you can share with you partner to give them more of an idea of what you have in mind. Be patient, be open-minded, and encourage your partner to share their concerns, hesitations, and desires with you too.